I should be writing other things

Today is the day I get back to writing, seriously. I have been putting it off and making excuses and one of the biggest excuses is still fear. I need to overcome this and just finish the fucking thing. It will make my life some much better. So today I'm just gonna do it. And maybe I will do it again tomorrow and I have not excuses for spending a long weekend writing. So today I will not be afraid and today I will write.

Airports

Waiting to pick someone up at the airport gate - what a simple pleasure. What a place of several human emotions - usually happiness or sadness. Sometimes love, fear, and anger. A chance to watch the airplanes arrive and leave. A chance to meet a friend for a drink if they had a layover. A place after walking off the plane - seeing a familiar face - a comfort you were not forgotten.

Unbelieveable Feeling of Dread

Driving is typically not the best time to have an existential crisis. But I did and it was not great. I was on my way to a meeting but I believe that has nothing to do with my punched in the gut feeling of dread I felt when I was making a right turn onto Michigan Ave from Outer Drive. BRMC was on the iPod and I was thinking about people I know and people I have not seen or talked to in a long time and those I seem to have reconnected with several years since last seeing them. Then WHAM! I felt completely alone and questioning my existence. I started to cry and feel really scared. Yet, I was still able to drive without getting into an accident. When I finally made it to my destination, I was glad I was early - it was a lunch/dinner meeting at a restaurant and I was feeling really queasy (like I was punched in the stomach). I did have an ok meeting, though would've rather been anywhere but at Mexican Fiesta at that moment. The pit in my stomach eventually faded but I believe this feeling of Dread has lingered on. Not sure if that is my I feel so under the weather and helpless (I have no drive to do anything right now). But I guess pain does reinforce some sort of existence - I just wish I could be more productive and not so listless. I need to get out of this funk. I need to be stronger than my fear. I need...

But not as troubling as this feeling of dread, yet still troubling - where is "great, great sandwich"? I thought it was stated by Matthew Modine in Married To The Mob but not on the DVD - could it be in the VHS version? This is one of my favorite movie lines of all time and it seems to no longer exist in the DVD world of Married To The Mob. Or have I misremembered the movie it was from? But it has to be Married to the Mob!!!! Great....Great Sandwich.

It has been a long time, baby.

While I'm not confident in what I write I do feel like I need to write more. And not just the important stuff I am procrastinating. I have only myself to blame for being in this constant state of writing fear which is what I am in. I was to write but I'm afraid of it, that it will change everything. While I want change I fear it too. I feel like I'm trapped in "fear" that strange Patrick Swayze inspirational speaker in Donnie Darko would try to talk me out of.

Leave them all behind

Can you write about existential being and nothingness when it is sunny outside?

I have really been feeling alive the past few days/weeks and have experienced the emotional extremes of being human. I have been giddy for days and it felt really good - a feeling I haven't felt since I had my last crush. But with the giddiness there has been the feeling of dread and the feeling that this giddiness or happiness is only temporary. I am trying to push away the dread and continue to feel giddy or at least be more pleasant.

I am trying to get rid of some of my physical baggage and I have been cleaning out my closet. I have been bogged down with stuff. It will feel good to donate these bags and hope someone who truly needs my old stuff will use it. While I am less cluttered I still have too much stuff but I'm not ready to let much more go right now (the problem of living in a capitalist/consumer culture). I am not ready to leave them all behind (my stuff) but I'm getting ready for change in my life - it is coming and I think I will be leaving somewhere soon.

I thank the sun for making me feel again. Now if I can just get to the ocean...

Something New?

While I'm still perplexed by having a blog and do feel I need to contribute something from time to time. I'm not sure how productive something like this is and I'm not sure I want to share much via a blog (or on the internet in general). I know I have already revealed too much.

Nothingness

I am really surprised how many people have viewed my blog and I haven't written anything yet. I feel compelled to write something today since I never know when someone might stumble on this blog again. I want them to at least have something to read.

I haven't really figured out why I have a blog or if I need a blog. I'm not really sure what I would use this for. I know why initially I have this---so I could be a part of another blog that has to do with my field of study. But do I need to really be here right now writing this. (I know that is some existential hogwash right there but I do feel that way and does feel real and true).

So maybe I'll write again, maybe I won't.